“I Don’t Want to be” Normal.

Sometimes things happen in our lives that upsets the natural balance of what we are used to. Being diagnosed with Moyamoya disease made me feel like I had no control over my life. It definitely tipped the scale of what I considered to be normal. The absence of the control I thought I had on my life, lifted the shades and opened up my life to a well lit realistic path. I’m still fighting for a cure for my disease, but I’m also taking advantage of the growing pains and lessons learned in this journey so far.

It’s taught me to be more confident in myself. I was confident before, but this confidence stems from something that embraces the essence of who I currently am and who I aspire to be. The confidence acquired pushes me to question myself often. I try to look within and ask myself the hard questions about the belief systems that’s shaped my life, where my confidence is derived from, and who I’m shaping myself to be. As a Christian, this has been extremely difficult. I’ve had to open myself up to a lot of things that questioned my morality, compassion, and ego. But, I hoped to always be true to my God and to myself. This practice taught me to quiet all of the background noise and to form my own opinions. This helped tremendously in the medical choices I have made for my life and the personal choices I began to make.

This type of mentality saturated every part of my life. The marinade has been made, and now I’m basking in its flavor. It allows me to really understand myself more, and what a joy it has been. Learning about my weaknesses, selfishness, and egotistical self in depth is humbling. The phrase I’ve heard myself say in the past about knowing how imperfect I am takes on a new meaning and a new appreciation I have for a God that still loves me despite that. But, this also opened up doors to growth and maturity.

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I’ve accepted that after going through this exercise, being more tolerant as a Christian does NOT mean I have forsaken my beliefs. It simply means that I am respecting the choices others have  made in their lives just as they’ve respected mine. It was a freeing moment to be able to claim that without the guilt of feeling like I betrayed a religion. But, that’s just it, I always based my faith on the relationship I have with God and not on a religion that’s based purely of merit. Because, honestly I’ve already failed that exponentially.

Moyamoya has taught me things about my faith and the person I was and can be. Facing myself head on like this everyday, assures me the confidence to walk out in any outfit I feel like wearing. 😀 I’m having more fun in my life. I’m securing a life that’s built on quality… and I’m so happy to be able to share it with the world. Experiencing life with this kind of mentality allows me to stay positive even when things get rough. Probably, because a strength was forged within when I exercise moral, spiritual, and my intellectual muscles. How do I know this? Picture living life through a Zombie apocalypse. You’re finding a cure after being bitten, but it’s difficult. Symptoms arises and you’re changing rapidly. That’s how I feel sometimes. But, in this setting I choose to have hope and to keep fighting. It hasn’t ended, and every experience is shaping me for the better. I couldn’t do this alone. My husband, as many of you have read before, is my biggest supporter… he’s also the better half. He challenges me and fights alongside me every step of the way.  And I’m thankful for that. It’s good to have people keep you on the right track. Moyamoya has redefined my perception of what a normal life is. But, I’m fighting  to hold onto a life defined by quality and substance rather than something that can easily change in the passing seasons.

 

 

 

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